Self-Control

 We sometimes need to control our darker sides, yes, we all have that too. When we are tired, we get snappy, we just want the day to be over and we don’t watch what we say, that is we don’t exercise self control. 

So did you replenish your energy sources? How did you sleep last night? Did you have breakfast? How long did it last? If you didn’t have time to have a proper healthy lunch, you might have been fine till about 1 or 2 PM, then you may have taken a beeline to the vending machine, to get your calories, overdose on salt or have a sugar rush. 

Later on after work you might have decided to go out with your friends for a drink. One drink led to another, what happened then?

According to research, we lose our self control pretty quickly in the evening.

But let’s not talk about ourselves now shall we? I really don’t want to imply that any one of us would dare to commit anything aggressive or criminal. No away! It has to be them!

According to the General Theory of Crime most burglaries are committed impulsively as opportunities rise. Also close to home, daytime, just walk in and out, so cars are not even needed. 

So please don’t leave your doors and windows open and your home unattended! 

I was asking you last time what the difference is between impulsivity and spontaneity. I have just given you an example of impulsivity, when you see your chance and you grab it. Another one is when you see a nice pair of shoes in the shop window and although you had no intention to buy shoes, you go in and try them on and surprise, you buy them! Impulsivity has a trigger. For a shopper it might be the display in the shop window, for the burglar it is the unlocked entrance door or a wide open ground floor window with no people around. 

When there is no outside trigger however, then you are spontaneously doing something. Yesterday I was driving and at the spur of the moment I texted my friend to have coffee with me. It was a spontaneous action and I followed through right away by actually showing up at her door a few minutes later.

I think it’s important to be clear that you have to resist an outside trigger, an impulse every minute of your waking hours not to be conflicted with your values and standards.

So besides chance and opportunity, fatigue can be a serious problem at night when it comes to controlling impulses.  

Let’s go back to the bar, where we are with our friends for a few drinks. The bar is full. It is past 10. They are getting drunk and more rowdy, some get more aggressive by the moment. Someone gets provoked and boom, the fight starts because the other one hits back.

So according to the General Theory of Crime most violent crimes happen between 10 pm and 2 am, due to intoxication and fatigue, depleted mental energy resources and low ability to control impulses.

So the longer the bar stays open, the more violent crimes are committed, hence the bar loses more money on broken assets. It is questionable if it’s financially worthwhile for them to stay open after one am. The problem continues when these intoxicated people try to get home or somewhere in the night and innocent sober women and men perhaps finishing their shifts need to get home but they get in the way of these uncontrolled drunks. General Theory of Crime: Opportunity, impulse, fatigue or depleted energy, substances, some personal traits. In other words it is the recipe for disaster.

Domestic violence has become a huge issue since the first lockdowns. We probably will have no idea of the real extent of intimate partner violence in the past two years, however this issue has been with us forever. The above recipe for disaster of course still applies.

Researchers asked college students and 34% of them reported at least one act of intimate partner aggression over the last year. In later adult ages this number is about 20%.

When they experimented with couples, they asked for feedback about their relationships, if they were happy, or frustrated with their partners. They gave them a list of yoga positions that can hurt but resulted in no permanent physical damage.  

When they were frustrated and depleted, they made their partners hold the hurtful position much longer. 

Most of us have a hard time when it comes to meeting new people. The first time can be really awkward no matter who you meet for the first time. Some of us however do this for a living. Sales people meet new clients, although most of the time they don’t actually need to get to know them. But you might provide services and you need new clients, you get information from them but you might also genuinely want to get to know them better, to be able to help them more. If not that, then you get a new job, transfer to a new location, meet different people at work, outside work. We can’t help it, so  let’s talk about first impressions! 

Why are we talking about it?

Giving a lasting positive first impression takes a lot of self-control and a lot of energy.

You need to watch yourself, your monitoring center is fired up, and at the same time you need to listen and pay attention to the other person because you don’t want to miss important information about them or opportunities to Gel with them.

A good advice is try not to fidget much and not to move your body a lot. Show interest and get them to talk about themselves. Listen more than speak to show that you care and are not being selfish. 

It might be time to take your journal out and write down some basic information about yourself that would be interesting but would be neutral and would not be overwhelming. Stick to simple sentences.

Always be very careful what type of information you share not to be seen too aloof but not to be too standoffish either. Don’t give out too much of your personal details, that scares people away.

I would advise you to be the listener, nod in understanding, when you share the same ideas or experiences you can say oh, I agree, me too and mirror the person.

Because when we interact with each other we unintentionally mimic or mirror each other. We sort of sit the same way, our facial expressions align, our gestures are shown back to us, even our words echo. Next time you sit down with a friend and happen to remember this episode, watch what you both do and say. That is how you gel with your best friend, that is what puts you at ease, makes you comfortable, you don’t have to try anymore. This way you can relax, let go and be yourself.

But we can also wear people out. How? You may ask? 

When someone does the opposite I just said. These people lean away from you, when you smile, they frown. When they refuse to mimic, it leads to an exhausting interaction and you struggle to keep your composure, to control your impulses. 

We will avoid them in the future, they are mean, disagreeable, exhausting to be with them. That is when some say these people are energy pirates. 

So if you work in an environment where you meet new people often, don’t be surprised if you get tired by the end of the day! You probably have a good idea by now what information you need from your clients, so try to keep them on track. People love to talk and mostly about themselves. You however have a time limit, that you can keep if you know what you are looking for. You can be agreeable, somewhat mirroring and being professional at the same time. Just keep the conversation about the client and the service. 

Later on, with multiple visits you will be able to get to know the client as a person, but it is always a good idea to let them talk and let you be the listener. Nod, Give feedback that you understand and if have some of the same experiences, but do not elaborate on those experiences longer than a simple sentence. Remember, people like talking about themselves, when you provide a service they want that period of time to be about them that validates them in every way. That is the bonus that you give besides your professional services. Listen, like a hairdresser does. Most women don't know much about their hairdresser but the hairdresser knows everything about her clients. And their families. 

When it comes to friends, you need to seek them out outside work. Coworkers can betray you, clients come and go, they might become friends after a while if you both agree and it is permitted, but you need to watch your back when you start to share more information than your simple neutral sentences.

Our culture, our families taught us to use stereotypes as shortcuts in thinking. It is simply labeling. Unfortunately because we have a limited supply of energy, we use these shortcuts, we sort people into categories by sex, gender, identity, race, by age, by religion, by ethnicity, nationality, socioeconomic status. to be able to understand our environment better.  

We can say that Germans are well disciplined people. The population of Germany is 83 million. So would that apply to 83 million people then? I wonder how stereotyping of Canadians will change after February 2022?

I am reluctant to actually use more stereotype examples right now, I am sure you know what I am talking about. 

It is dangerous and we simply cannot afford to use stereotypes because it creates expectations of what people are like and what they do, according to an impersonal idea. But it is deeply embedded into our culture so overriding stereotypes takes a lot of self control but it is worth it. Fight it and make a decision on a one on one basis!

Jingle

I promised you some stories about animal studies, so here they are:

It is hard for dogs to sit and stay for 10 minutes. They need a lot of self control for that. One group was told to sit and stay, the other was told to just sit. Then they were given a toy with food that they had played with before but this time the toy was rigged and no food was coming out. The more depleted group, the one that was told to sit and stay, gave up sooner. 

Then some dogs got their energy replenished with sugary spray. The sugar, the calories helped the dogs to stay on task for longer and not give up!

In another study monkeys were around a revolving table where there was some ok food and some extremely rewarding food. The monkeys could wait, and delay to have the extremely rewarding food and didn’t take the ok food!

An economist and a psychologist at Yale University in 2005 trained seven capuchin monkeys how to use money. They were taught the value of different tokens, like low, medium and high value. They could buy Jello, grapes and apples and delay gratification and save for a higher reward. They taught them how to gamble and exchange tokens for services… but that is not my story to tell.

Now some exercises to exercise your self control muscles:

You monitor your sleep, you have breakfast, eat better, and have written down your values.

Now you are going to try to avoid having a mental argument within yourself so you develop an if then mental contract.

If I can get home by 5:30, I will exercise for 20 minutes.

If I can’t get my online shopping done by 10 pm, I will not charge anything on my credit card after 10.

I will not read any more messages and emails after 10 pm. 

At night, when you are tired, you don’t need to make financial, work or personal decisions and it is within your power to stop that.